I Published My Blog..... After 8 years of Procastination

Hello all,

Hope everyone had a fabulous Sinhala Tamil New Year, and it was filled with Love, Laughter, Celebration and Fulfilment. And Akshaya Tritiya wishes to all Hindu devotees for today (18^th April 2018)  – May your year be full of Merit, Prosperity and Abundance.

So, I finally did it. Years and years of writing drafts, going into a state of panic at the 2nd draft stage, starting to procrastinate at 3rd draft and shelving at Final, it is done - I started writing and publishing online.

There were many reasons for me to start the blog in 2010 and not write a thing on it for 8 years, but let’s save that for another time/place/date. But after I DID, it's quite liberating to have my own space to express myself. (With certain limitations and boundaries of course. :/ )

So this is how it goes.

I was trying to decide which area I should blog about, but I actually couldn’t decide as I have quite a few interests – Dance, Music, Books, Writing, Poetry, Cooking, Food, Mixology, Art (Painting, Sculpture, etc), DIY, Travel, Culture… The list goes on and on.

Since I couldn’t decide (After so much of procrastination AGAIN!) I finally thought to… yep, you guessed it- To make it about EVERYTHING!

I started with the Poetry (published last week) and raised quite a few alarm bells with loved ones calling me to ask “Are you ok?” as the Poems were a tad dramatic and quite dark. To those who did worry – Thank you, I am absolutely fine. The Poetry was written some years ago when I WAS in a dark place, but it is what it is…. Just a written piece of work to express how I felt at the time.

So about the Blog - This is the plan - I get up to all sorts of adventures (A kinder word for mischief!) during the week, usually having to do with all of the topics mentioned above (and more). The colourful or not so colourful nature of the material will all depend on what I have been up to.

Frequency is to be on a weekly basis,f there is a lot to write about if it can be twice a week. If I do have a lot to say (Which I USUALLY do!) it will be a lot more frequent (3-4). Fingers crossed.

All in all, I hope you guys like what I write. Please keep those comments and feedback coming in, I really do appreciate it.

A big thank you to my Husband, My Parents & Siblings, My closest friends and My Writer Buddies for encouraging and pushing me to do this, although this is a small feat. Your confidence in me got me here.

Toodles and Keep Reading!

KWN

The Seedling

I feel tugged by the roots.

I barely recall the first time you encountered me.

I was a freshly planted seed back then,

And was so firmly grounded.

You were a gentle gust of wind that passed by.

I didn’t know you.

I didn’t know anything,

You could say I was oblivious.

But with time,

I started changing,

Both inside and out.

I was a seed survivor.

As I grew,

I started thinking about Myself.

And less of Myself.

Since everything was changing so rapidly,

I felt I couldn’t

Grow to my fullest potential.

But as a Seedling,

I then started seeing the Sun

In all his Glory.

The Sun is good for me.

The Sun who has my best interests at heart.

The Sun who became the Centre of my Universe.

But sometimes,

The Sun’s harsh rays would burn me.

The rays would harm my tender,

Most sensitive leaves.

There were times I felt,

That I will not grow to be a Tree.

But that I was a Vine,

Growing towards the direction of the Sun

It felt very different,

As I was used to growing my own way.

I was used to standing Tall,

On my own terms.

On my own grounds.

I had to decide.

I had to become more like myself.

I dug my roots more firmly

Into the ground.

And then I grew.

Tall, Willowy, Beautiful.

I was standing so statuesque.

Basking in the Sun.

But in my own right.

Then there was you.

You are like the Wind.

A breath of Fresh Air.

East Wind headed West or

West Wind headed East.

I do not know.

But the impact you had on me,

Even in the gentlest of forms.

You will never know.

You made those dried leaves,

Which by then had become dried branches,

Fall away.

You gave me perspective,

And made me realize that

My journey of Growth

Is one of Courage.

The Gusts of Wind

Which blew my way,

Encouraged my Beauty, My Flowers, My Fruits.

My Growth.

But in the shortest of times,

The Gusts grew stronger.

And at times I am in fear,

At the pace of my Growth.

I fear that my roots will not be able to handle

My Growth.

I fear that your Gusts will in time

Become Gales.

And I will be overwhelmed by their strength.

I fear it will uproot me,

And I will not know

When I have fallen.

Drafted in 2009
Revisited and Revised in 2018

You had No Right

To rip me apart,

Leaving me wounded and torn,

For someone else to fill the gaps,

And mend the seams.

To come back again,

And tear from the same old places,

But this time making sure the damage,

Is harder to repair.

To tread all over me,

Rubbing me with grime as you go,

With a stain that takes some time to go away,

Even though it took you a fraction of the time to make it.

To leave me hanging,

Helpless, unexplained, unanswered,

Just because you thought I didn't fit right,

and that I was at times what you called "clingy".

To tell me I with whom you felt most "comfortable",

That nothing and no one else,

Made you feel this way,

And felt so right with you.

To throw me away,

Used and unwanted,

Back to where I started,

Not wanting any more at all.

To tell me so much of lies,

And then push me away for another,

To repeat my story to someone else,

All over again.

But most of all,

You had no right at all,

To break down the tall walls which I had built around me,

To make me act as I have never done before,

To bring out my stupidity, vulnerability, weakness, and other raw emotions,

To lie to me every step of the way and hurt me beyond anything I have felt before,

To feel no guilt about your actions, and act nonchalant.

To make me want to hate you for what you did,

And in the process hating myself more,

For laying down my defences.

To make me feel numb,

With pain and sadness,

Instead of anger and spite.

And not hate you at all,

But just wish you were happy and content.

I really do.

Written in 2010

Misunderstood

I am no Goddess,

Yet you claim I am one.

I have been kept on a Pedestal,

But please,

I need to have my feet firmly planted

On the Ground.

You portray me as a flawless being,

Like I can do no wrong.

To you,

I possess all Nature’s Gifts

As if they have been sculpted.

And I should be worshipped

At a shrine,

If not many.

To you,

My Smile is Effervescent,

And you say seeing it every time

Reminds you what heaven looks like.

To you,

I am so tall and statuesque,

That I need to be looked up to

In Reverence.

To you,

I am as pure as the foam of the Sea,

And as pure as a Lotus

That dwells in Mud.

To you,

I am as Wise as a Strigid,

And sees things that others don’t

So far ahead of time and place.

To you,

I am Moonlight,

And I brighten up the darkest of times

Full of Effulgence and Radiance.

To you,

I do not walk,

But glide on Air.

To you,

My eyes are as Seductive

As a Peacock’s Feathers.

Alluring. Inviting. Tempting.

To you,

My voice is a Siren Call,

Draws you closer,

When you try to pull away.

To you I am Your Muse.

You make me seem Flawless.

Like I can ONLY be described as Exquisite.

And can do no wrong.

But you could not be more Mistaken.

You need to see that it’s not Marble,

But skin that is so full of scars.

And sometimes irreversible marks.

You need to see

Me when I fall on my knees.

Not in Prayer,

But crying out in Pain.

You need to see

How I become as Blind as a Bat,

Especially in Matters of the Heart.

You needed to see

The big splatters

When people slung Mud

At me.

You need to see

Me during those times

I just couldn’t smile.

Where was the Sun?

You needed to see

Me during those times,

I couldn’t walk,

Let alone glide.

When I was crippled by humiliation.

You need to see me

Those times when I am so angry,

That my eyes are on Fire,

With so much Hatred.

You need to see me

When my spirit is broken.

Because you would now hear me.

At all.

You made me seem flawless.

But you see now,

I am not.

Once upclose,

You can see the Glue, the Stitches and the Seams

That’s holding together all of me

That was once broken

No.NO.

I am no Goddess. Please see me as I really am.

Drafted in 2009

Revised and Revisited in 2018